Stream of Incoherence

It has been a lot of time since I have posted anything here, and I was beginning to wonder whether I would ever. But then a wintry afternoon is probably the best time to think, rationalize and write thoughts lazily, and as happens to me so many times, I started thinking about my life, what sort of a person I am and all the same old jazz.

When I was in campus, I was very fortunate to have good friends, who listened to me, when I would incoherently blabber on about my life, and the "problems" facing it. Several Friday nights, we would go out for dinner (on some pretext of treat or the other), play AOE late in the night and then taking a walk in the cool air, talk about "meri life mein kya fite hai?"

Sometimes when nostalgia hits me and I start thinking about those nights, tears well up in my eyes and I am transported back in my mind to those days when the biggest problem one could have was the possibility of a bad grade, that one could lose a quiz since one's teammate was not there, the likes. And none of these were ever actual problems, it was fun talking about them, and at the end of it all, one was always happy, satisfied and slept late in the morning without any thought.

It's not as if I am not happy today but there is a clear lack of an outlet for my emotions, I am not being able to talk freely (the person I talked to the most freely is somewhere in the backwaters of USA), and that is why probably I have started to drink so much. And that's when the ambiguity of the purpose of my existence starts crowding out my enthusiasm for work, motivation for moving ahead (?) in life and general will to do something. I suddenly don't have much to live for.

Life has been a series of battles, one after the other, with no end of war in sight. I have become so afraid of losing, the fear keeps me on the edge all the time, as somebody pointed out yesterday, I look energetic and nervous all the time. I don't take defeats very well, I become a sad, mean man and thankfully I have been winning for long. However, the thought is increasingly suffocating me, someday I am gonna be on the losing side, someday I gonna just break down and give in and turn into one of those stars which just burned out and faded.

However, the only comfort I have is that the realisation is with me, I understand something needs to change. I just hope it does before things start going wrong.

"Hazaaron khwahishein aisi ki har khwahish pe dum nikle
Bade nikle mere armaan lekin phir bhi kam nikle"